it's almost the end of the year
so much happened to me...i finished writing my visual novel, a thing that
i thought would never happen.
i got in a fight with some people. in usual fashion, me pissing someone off
without realizing it, and then having it explode in my face.
i got to experience something i've never felt before with another person.
putting it in vague terms like that makes it sound suspicious, but i
mean something a bit more spiritual.
feeling lots of things and coping with the fact i dont feel things like other people.
well thats a stupid way of putting it, because no one's that special.
but no one seems to know what i mean when i talk about it.
that's okay, because i've gotten really good at finding people that
are understanding in the ways i need them to be.

i will finish panthalassa next year.
almost finished putting down the groundwork for part 1, just gotta draw
all those placeholders...i need to make the placeholders a little uglier,
but i cant help it. i get so excited about my story.

playing the silver case lately. the presentation is fantastic, but i'm unsure
how i feel about it still. the translation is really strange, my friend told me
the translator "tried making it feel like suda" so all the characters are constantly
swearing and yelling at each other and dropping slurs. it seems more withheld
on the parts that really matter, but i wish i was playing the ps1 version...
its similar to killer7 in that its a big collection of vignettes that all
connect to a larger mystery. its also similar in that you wont really know whats
going on until the very end...i assume.
its a game written in '99 so its ranking pretty low on my feminism meter.
a woman that isn't related to having sex or being murdered has yet to be introduced.
that's fine though.
how did i word it...people really like to brush off when women are written or
treated poorly in games. but a piece of art is reflecting someone's world view right?
i'm unsure i really believe in death of the author when it comes to interpreting an artist's intent.
if an artist doesn't view half of the world as people, how am i supposed to take his
interpretation on anything else seriously?

playing: the silver case, star ocean 3
watching: futari wa precure

feeling pretty tired. i've been very disciplined
lately, with focusing on work and getting stuff done
but i feel that slowly petering out. spending time
with friends and streaming have helped a lot with my
habit of self isolation, but at the end of the day
my ability to focus is what holds me back. aaah i
want to laze around all day...and when i get so worried
about money it prevents me from properly working on my vn.
i was hoping to get it finished this year but with
everything going on that probably won't be possible.

i keep having very vivid dreams. dreams are boring to
explain but for the first time in awhile i have
vivid dreams about video game characters and friends.
usually they're about scenarios or memories.

playing: ufo50, pikmin 1
watching: the sopranos

it's that kind of sadness that feels like its rotting you
from the inside out.

thankfully my heads finally been clearned up a bit. a lot of
stress this week manifesting in places i can't see them, but
its okay. this sort of thing is a part of being a person.

haven't been as productive as i'd like the last couple of days,
but a lot of big changes will be happening again soon. a lot
of worrying and running around...and i cant even say "but
things will be okay" this time around because i know it won't be easy.

working to finish my visual novel as fast as i can. i'm
not viewing it as something that will make me money or anything,
but i just have this feeling in me that if i can bring myself to
complete this one dream i've had my whole life, i can do anything.
i want to make a lot of games. i want to make art that can touch people.
this drive is the only thing that keeps me going most of the time.
maybe i should live for a little more, but this past year has proven
it's hard to hold onto the things other people tell me are important.
not in a depressing way though. i think i've found a lot of
meaning in it.

playing: advance wars, lain psx, star ocean 2
reading: pride and prejudice
watching: diebuster, gundam 0079 (doing my mecha homework)

i suppose i could write a little bit more about myself now
that we're here.

ocassionally i enter these strange headspaces and i
don't know how to snap myself out of them. it sometimes
feels spiritual...
like somethings trying to tether me back to something i once was.
i think working on my visual novel again has dragged this
emotion out of me. i spend a lot of time thinking about how others
are thinking about me. i dont know if its the most healthy thing...
for my main hobby that sort of thing is really important, right?
introspection and the like...but sometimes my brain gets all muddy,
and i begin to feel like i never cared about anything at all.
sometimes it gets so bad that while i'm lying in bed at night
or reading a book, i start to think about the pressure in my
head, and convince myself i have brain damage. or that my
skull is too small for my brain, and ive been slowly losing
brain cells since i was a teenager. and it would explain
everything ive ever failed to do. is that depression? i guess so.

my sister lectured me the other day about never going outside.
there's lots of things keeping me from leaving...but i knew
that even if i had access to a car or money i probably
wouldn't. there are so many things and signs telling us to
not let ourselves be absorbed into the computer, but the
internet is so nice. even this chopped up, decaying, rotting
corpse of an internet is more welcoming than the real world.
because at least on the internet im allowed to be myself.

...hmmm...maybe i'm a lost cause after all.

i wonder if having a little online diary would help in any way.
it feels a bit exposing...posting diary entries like this...
but i guess that's also just blogging? i've never felt the
compulsion to share too much of myself online in text format.

i guess because its so easy to get brainrotted by numbers,
and the few times i've tried expressing my feelings on things
people have told me it made no sense or it was of no worth.

but the nice thing about a webpage is none of that matters!
i can write anything i want and don't have to care, because
surely no one looks at neocities that closely right?

lately i've been making tangible progress in panthalassa.
it's a little scary...i keep doubting myself and the things
i write and if any of its worth reading...its such an intense
feeling, making anything original. i've drawn fanart my whole
life...i guess this is why people get so obsessed with their ocs.
i hope someone out there likes it.

playing: advance wars, lain psx, star ocean 2
listening: coaltars of the deep
reading: pride and prejudice
watching: diebuster, gundam 0079 (doing my mecha homework)