watching a friend stream killer7 for the first time.
one of those games that is literally so good i
can't wrap my head around it. a deeply influental
game to the way i view games today as i played it
at the exact right time in my brain development.
it makes one laugh when they think about how both
suda and mikami wanted to make a video game that
was accesible to everyone. but the average gamer
that picks up killer7 for the first time is
immediately tormented by its systems. moving with
the X button, invisible enemies that make the
screen flash with a jumpscare, cryptic tutorials
and guessing games. but when i think back on it,
the rigid structure of the game's systems was
probably why i was able to approach it as one of
my "first" fps games. (my actual first were portal
and tf2, both games that had stakes low enough i
didn't feel intimidated by my amateur status.)
everything's guided on a track, enemies have
giant glowing weak spots, every puzzle is
essentially the same, pressing triangle when you
hear a mysterious thrumming chord. the foreign
presentation makes you uncomfortable, off-kilter,
but then the experience turns into a rhythm, a
hypnotic ritual of button presses. though i think
any video game can be boiled down to that
description, even if you think you're reacting
to stimulus. killer7 taught me about the
spirituality of games, and the joy of being
pushed down the stairs a little bit. a bunch of
cutscenes and themes and fancy poetry that
dont feel like they have anything to do with
each other at all, until you convince your brain
to attempt to stop connecting stuff with real
events, but if you sever even that specific
connection completely, the game turns into the
crazed conspiracy ramblings of a hideo kojima
game. but even if i couldn't understand every
little detail on a first playthrough, let alone
an eighth, the parts that i could understand
resonated with me so deeply it brought me
closer to striving for articulating that holy,
over-your-shoulder type feeling in games.
the isolation of people, personalities, nations,
governments, chairmen. every suda game is a bit
glib in it's conversation of the powerlessness
of individual action and how unescapable bias
can be. every character in all of his games are
almost trapped in some kind of horror movie,
moving forward and uncovering secrets,
fighting against what they think is the enemy,
everyone around them impulsive liars, and then
by the end discovering a truth so horrible it
seems enough to shake the foundation of their
ideology and even the world itself, but you
never get to see that conclusion. the camera
leaves and that's that. you see them in a later
game, just living, wandering around like an
adventure game protagonist. kill the past and
all that.

when i was a kid i'd watch my sister play video
games and i was always so curious why she was
so eager to be "evil" and kill people and go
against the games intentions. she'd watch me
play the same games and get annoyed at me that
i was so "scared to engage with the game".

i still have that impulse...i'm so terrified of
doing something wrong and hurting someone or
making them upset or changing their digital life
forever. my impulse is to assume me being scared
to go against the status quo is the inherent
american past-time of being a cop-loving goodie
two shoes obsessed with a christian imposed idea
of 'morality', but i think me and my sister just got
deeply invested in the worlds in different ways.
my sister truly views it as a realm to exert her
power and freedom, while i cant help but view
everyone as living beings operating in an
ecosystem. they've having a hard enough time.
that guy has to sell bread and oranges for 10g
every day...and surely i'm the only one buying them...
why would i lock pick the unprotected safe behind
the counter behind him just for some paltry
change. i could just kill 20 slimes instead.
when i kill a random guy on the street all i can
think about is how either his daughter will miss
him or that group of friends he plays quake 3
with every night will have no idea where he went.

i can empathize with my sister's feelings as well
because she's always been a very rebellious
person. video games don't really want you to do
the "evil route". of course there's obvious
examples like undertale, where the grinding
and difficulty increase dramatically and ends
with an avatar mocking you for doing something
cruel and pointless for the sole desire to
"see what happens." but more elaborate and bigger
budget games decentivize you in an even more
calculated and depressing way. being evil in a
game almost always takes away results as opposed
to giving you different ones. if you kill that
guy you miss out on his quest. if you burn the
village down you either get a lot of gold now
or a really powerful weapon later. the immediate
consequences of being an "evil cowboy" are not
really apparent in a game where you're already
kind of the bad guy. the digital scorn of a
policeman or the increased artificial difficulty
aren't really rewards compared to the feeling of
'i'm going against what the creators wanted me
to do'. but instead of there really being any
statement about your actions it's more like...
well, the game lets you do this so something
has to happen as a result of those actions, so
that the holy standard of 'immersion' isn't
broken..

the genre of game that allows this type of
indepth morality to play out doesn't typically
interest me admittedly, so i don't think these
thoughts mean anything at all. maybe morality
in games is deep and complex and i'm missing
out not playing baldurs gate or mass effect 3.

whenever im reading an erotic story i visualize
the house that they're in to always be the
last house i lived in with my mother and sister
in washington. but then sometimes i imagine a
completely made up house that has never existed
at all...but it's always the same house. why
do i have a distinction depending on what type
of story i'm reading? if the characters live
in an apartment i always visualize the first
apartment i lived in seattle, except with the
kitchen shifted next to the bathroom and a
bedroom included. i've never visualized anyone
having sex in a studio apartment. now that i'm
typing this, there's a 3rd house i envision
sometimes as well....in all 3 of these layouts
the kitchen is so vivid. sometimes the house
has a weird green vibrant 70s tone, like some
sort of live-action doctor seuss set, and
sometimes the house is always completely
enveloped by shadow. maybe it's a class thing?
i also always imagine the exact same run-down
adobe prison when characters are staying in
a motel. the hotel is always the same too...
it's impossible to be more descriptive with
these dreamlike images of the enviroments i
have of various cartoon characters having sex
in. i wonder what everyone else thinks about.

making my first "real" game has me ruminating
even more on what i want from art and what could
satisfy me regarding it. this is something
that's been eating at me since writing my
post-mortem and the number one comment being
said to me "this one really felt like margo!"
is it more comforting to be abstract? unknown?
the margo i present on social media and stream
is me, but also feels like a snarling animal.
i almost feel embarassed people hear all of
the desperate sounds coming out of me and then
attribute that to my inner world. though i suppose
this comes back to the comfort of an amateurishly
written private journal 3 people read now and then.

i'm someone thats really mean about games. my
friends chide me for being a hater. it's easy to
punch up at gacha games or triple a productions,
works with overinflated budgets built by teams
of thousands of people that on an emotional level
are probably desperately trying to put an atom
of themselves into a project and consider it a
contribution to the working world, but if you
despise all of money and capital and consider
none of it real, then all of that emotion means
nothing the moment you step outside of that
person's brain. and then i find myself being
mean to stuff that probably doesn't deserve it.
is it the same as assuming the gender or race
or alignment of someone just by what clothes
they decided to give the main character? can
you really tell if someone is desperate for
validation or social media numbers by the
count of evangelion references in their work?
to step out of the crowd as a critic to
present your own work makes you just as
vulnerable. i'm always searching for an
unexplainable feeling, wanting to make work
thats unrelatable and emotionally raw
simultaneously, but feel limited by my own brain
raised on neopets and uboachan and watchanimeon.com.
i fear to attempt making anything "pointless" even
though i think making something that fit
that description would free me more than any
sexual liberation i think exists in game dev.
does it matter if its good? or unique? its
easy to make something that doesn't make money.
am i bothered milk puzzle made money? (though
itch refuses to give me that money.)

so much blood has left my body. this is the
most blood that has left my body in what
feels like half a year. what is happening.
im so dizzy and tired. im trying to accept
that i will just fall behind work when my
body decides it can no longer function, but
it's very difficult. it is strange to exist
in the world clearly disabled but unable to
even get a diagnosis for the thing that disables
me and also isnt even on the grounds to be
approved by the state as being disabled.
so all i can do is pray rent doesn't go up.
which it will.

what's the point of a feed? why do you need to scroll forever?

i have so many thoughts all of the time forever
and i read the words of others so desperate to
obtain even a fraction of their power because
i am so dissatisfied with my own thoughts.
i have so many thoughts and refuse to say any
of them outloud to my friends who would probably
agree with my thoughts and have something as
equally interesting to say in response to my
thoughts but im so terrified of being talked
down to like a child i hide it all away
with packing tape. so i love the log, i
love the secret little diary where i can throw
up all my fears and insecurities and weird
memories and phantom sensory sensations and not
have to worry about some snarky asshole
destroying the veil of mysticism i have
created in my own head. the last bastion of
ego i have that stops me from putting a
bullet through my head. but to type thoughts
over and over in silence...is that teaching
me anything? is it bad to be alone?
the theoretical one guy that reads my blog
and rolls their eyes at everything. are you
out there. are you single.

i saw a big spider today for the first time
in a long time. not as big as the spider from
2 entries ago but i thought it was a daddy
long legs and it was something else. is it
going to eat me alive?

i keep spilling coffee because of my wobbly
desk and my chair is so loud whenever i
stand up i worry my downstairs neighbor can
hear it. ive never been a downstairs neighbor.
ive always been the obnoxious upstairs neighbor.
ive developed a habit of lightly walking
wherever i go to not bother anyone. though it is
a bit dishonest to say i developed this behavior
because of my patternized living situations, my
sister simply said to me once "you walk heavy"
and it bothered me so i tried ironing it out of
me. teachers also commented that i press too
hard on the paper when i write. what am i
trying to prove.

humans are the same right? is the loneliness we
feel now the exact same as the loneliness of
the past? did egyptian pharoahs get lonely?
did jesters get lonely? did coal miners get
lonely? does the president of the united states
get lonely...?

everyone makes fun of me when i say i dont see
fujoshi use AI, but it's true...there's no AI
images or fanfiction in the circles i run in.
but i realized after seeing an AI generated
tentacle porn image that tragically turned me
on, was that women are built from their head to
their toes from shame. of course women in an
established community aren't going to be sharing
AI pictures of their anime husbands. you can't
even post gore anymore. mystery solved.

my brain is exhausted. finally finished moving.
finally in my new apartment...it smells like
acetone. i'm unsure of the source of the smell.
apparently my last neighbor was a smoker, as
there were cigarette butts shoved in between
the slats of my balcony. i found it amusing but
it made my mom upset, so she had it cleaned.
maybe they were trying to cover up the cigarette
smell somehow...

have to catch up on work immediately. the whole
itch.io thing has been deeply disheartening.
as someone that had experienced being cancelled
over something as stupid as "liking yaoi and being
a girl" and "liking gore" and having that sort
of nonstop belittlement poison my brain and my
conciousness, the idea of people censoring their
true intentions in their work for the sake of
appeasing a giant faceless entity breaks my
heart. it makes me want to cry and cry and cry.
i'm a bit of a cynical nihilist so i'm unsure
what can be done...all i know is that all i can
do is keep making my work. i want to keep telling
stories that have never been told before. i want
to keep encouraging other women to share their
stories too...i guess i'll cross the bridge of
selling my game when i get there. maybe itch.io 2
will be invented by then.

my recent fascination has been thecatamite's
"Anthology of the Killer". I had no idea the
collection had only been released last year...
it kind of feels like a work thats existed since
at least 2016. i keep playing it over and over,
trying to absorb its language, its meaning, its
decisions. a lot of stuff goes over my head
assumedly...i've always been a bit of a moron
with comprehension and subtext, but the parts
that do speak to me are very potent. i'd love
to make something like this one day...though
my priorities somehow have become focused on
making porn gamesonly women would make. at
least someone out there will probably appreciate
it. onward we must go on.

thinking about the extremely strange experience
i had upon perusing my old work. the events that
followed after wiped my memory of it.
i was visiting a good friend, and when i
stepped into their apartment, i realized it had
the exact same layout as an apartment i had drafted
4 years ago for a webcomic.

thinking about how i had this rubber spider i
would play with as a kid. once i saw it on the
floor in the hallway and i began kicking it with
my feet for fun, when i realized it was a REALLY
REALLY BIG GIANT SPIDER. thinking about it i haven't
seen a spider that big since. you kind of only get
crazy bugs like that up in forested areas like
washington. anyways my dad caught it and put it in
jar to raise it. for some reason when i look back
on this it seemed quite boyish of my father.
he tried feeding it a cricket and the spider
died immediately. apparently spiders cant eat
some crickets...?

i feel the way that i do and its so tempting
to adopt the iconographies other do so often
to display their loneliness like a flag
flapping on top of a ship. and at moments i
really do feel like her but at other times
all it takes is shifting my sneakers a little
bit in the direction of the wind and my whole
entire life feels so different, like no one
could possible understand the chain mail
bouncing around in the black box i envision
as my brain, a computer monitor hooked up
to a gateway computer. i think about how huge
a computer used to have to be and how i'll
never understand every single decision and
component inside of them. maybe it's something
as silly as they didn't really need all that
space, or i guess they did but it was mostly
for insulation, not because of the number
of wires.

today at 8am the power died. the night before there was
an insane rain storm. lighting was crashing down and the
pelting of the rain could be heard through the thick
adobe walls. so i was not surprised when the power
suddenly died i suppose...but it has been a very long time
since i've had to experience an extended power outage.

i used to live on an island only 30 minutes away by ferry
from seattle. i used to live in a big creaking house that
would experience frequent power outages, but we would
always have the generator until things finally turned on
again. then a couple years ago in the town i live now,
there was a huge power outage in my entire apartment complex.
even now i still think about that day a lot. it was in the
middle of a horrible humid summer. that's kind of the ironic
thing about getting power outages down here. usually it's
insanely hot, but we have typhoons and flash floods all
the time, so if the power is ever going to die, 99% of the
time it's going to be during the summer. so good luck.
everyone staggered out of their apartments so that they
weren't cooked alive. we were all different people.
me, of course, the weird, shy antisocial shut-in.
someone was a cheerful black, gay, monk from chicago,
the teenager downstairs was a devoted christian from
ohio here for school, and one was a woman in her early
30s that worked late as a waitress. we just stood there
on the extended balcony and...talked. talked about anything
we could think of. it was like a scene from a movie.
we talked so much we started talking about all our problems,
and what was wrong with this country, and what we needed
to do to fix it, and why we all felt like the world was
ending in our own ways. we all felt so connected in that
moment. and then the power turned on and we all went
inside our apartments and never spoke to each other again.
it really made me think about how easy it is for people
to actually get along, and how modern convenience has
made us so isolated...i hope they're all doing well.

that's besides the point. my power was out until 2:30PM
today. i managed to finish my book "The Way of the Hermit"
by ken smith. i enjoyed it a lot. i'd read a couple books
before about men that just randomly decided they had it
with modern civilization and ran away to the woods forever.
there was Chris McCandless and "Into the Wild", who was
cheerful and good at everything he did, and decided to
throw his entire life away to lead a nomadic lifestyle
far away from everything. he ended up jumping into his
dreams a little too unprepared though, and passed away
from eating the wrong kind of potato in the Alaskan
wilderness. he kind of reminded me of Kevin Smith,
except kevin smith was way more patient and smart about
the way he approached his dreams. he managed to haggle
some land and build a little cabin and learn all the
necessary skills that let someone live off the land.
i think the story that fascinates me the most is
Christopher Knight's. McCandless and Smith seemed like
friendly guys that had a lust for adventure, but Knight
wanted to be away from everyone and everything. he had
no interest in other people, or the modern world. he
just wanted to be alone in the forest. he didn't do
any amazing feats of foraging or build a house or
nothing, he just slept in a tent while moving around
the forest and stole food and goods from nearby campers
and facilities. he ended up getting caught and arrested
one day because technology got too complicated to
outsmart...but i always think about a passage he wrote
about how everyone has something in their dna that
dictates how much social interaction they need, and
his just happened to be insanely low. i always pretend
like i don't want to be bothered by anybody or that i
desire solitude, but every time i get to spend time
with people i really love, there's no way i could
give that feeling up. maybe christopher knight should
have used the internet more.

i got an email from my power company saying that it
was going to take over 6 hours to bring the power
back, and then an email from my internet provider
that it would take until tomorrow. not knowing what to
do with this information i began packing and taking down
all the useless streamer foam my sister forced me to put
up half a year ago. then the power came back on and
i immediately turned my computer on and attempted an
oguri cap run in umamusume (i failed).

milk puzzle has hit almost 700 downloads...i am blown
away. i'm feeling like i should write a post-mortem soon.
people's response has been genuinely overwhelming...i was
so nervous about releasing it and was so nervous people
would find the emotions depicted strange or unusual but
i got so many heartwarming and supportive messages from
friends and new people alike. i'm happy that i made it.
i want to make more games...i'm even more excited to
release panthalassa now. it's not the same setting but
i was kind of feeling "aren't eleanor and claire just
elias and donovan?" while writing it, so maybe it will
click for people. aaaaah. aaaaaaaaaah. goodness me.
will try to relax and read more stuff today.

"connect the dots" and "ten metre tide" are my favorites
so far...i'm rooting that ten meter tide wins just
between you and me haha. it was just so excellent in
every way.

well i finished it like, a day ago.
i feel like i should have more to say about it, considering
it's my first real game i've completed. i would always look
forward to reading the thank you messages or note logs by
devs after finishing their work...but...um...i dont know.
it's a game. i made it. i wrote all the feelings I wanted
into it and made characters i liked. and not to sound like
a jerk but...i didn't experience...much...strife...making it...?
well that's not true. most of the suffering is psychological.

i've been reading the other entries and worrying that my
story is strange and doesn't slot in well compared to the
other VNs at all. which is a ridiculous way to feel,
considering a jam is all about expressing the different
approaches one can take to completeing a game no matter
what. but i don't know...
i worry i didn't go far enough with some things, or that
people will feel annoyed it's more a character piece than
a yuri indulgence, but it can't be helped. i made a game
and i should be proud of that alone. Sick to my stomach
about submitting it.

writing and drawing went very smooth.
the first real hurdle I'm feeling at the moment is music.
royalty free music just doesn't hit...but i have no
experience myself, so maybe that's just how it has to be.
i hope this makes my work on Panthalassa a little better.

(i haven't been gaming at all...the only thing i can bring
myself to play is Picross. otherwise I'm thinking to
myself "why aren't you working on your game...?")

kinda falling off all my daily habits right now...
only takes a week to get bored. but when you feel
that way it's the most important time to push through and form a habit!
augh...what did i even do yesterday?
PMS is still making me lose my mind.
just remember drawing a loooot of sprites and watching streams.
literally nothing comes to mind.

i'm soaking up the world around me like a sponge,
even the things i hate. it's so clear the difference in
language of people even 20 years ago. is it ignorance
to feel like the walls are closing in on me?
people have always felt this way about everything
from the beginning, but it feels just as real to
me as it must have to people on internet message boards
complaining Super Mario World is reusing a tired old formula.
(Well...and they're right, right?)

i'm always reaching out blindly, groping for what
this feeling that supposedly is lacking "is".

alienated by everything around me. by the way people
are expected to act, the kind of stories we tell,
and the looming reality of being alone.

i come back around to this feeling quite regularly,
but i really do wonder how someone gets "smarter".
where does one obtain the ability to parse acadedmic language?
how does one strengthen the muscle to take so much
meaning from scenes and moments in works of art?
when they go out of their way to type what they saw,
i can understand it too. as they are simply observing an
intention that can be agreed upon by most people watching
the film, but i don't understand where that independent
view comes from. when i watch a movie or play a game, i'm
always fully immersing myself in the act. but i never have
much to say when i walk away from it. i guess there's no
way to quantify what it means for someone to be "smart"
or "dumb", i've certaintly fallen trap to thinking i'm
better than some people while having accomplished nothing
myself, but it still bothers me. what is talent?
what is thoughtful commentary and what is simply stating
the obvious? maybe i'm simply not pushing myself hard enough.
i spend quite a bit of time laying around playing games,
while most of my friends have had the opportunity to take
a single class in a school. maybe that's what i should
do with my next couple of years...

ayways, journalling seems an effective way to at
least come a little bit closer to getting my thoughts
out more meaningfully. i keep stopping to type to pick
at a scab thats formed from a bug bite on my right wrist.
it's healing awfully.

the days are blending together since my dad died.
i'm not doing anything, just reading emails and
signing paper work when i'm told, saying "yes" to texts.
thinking about my dad a lot, and the memories that
feel like moments ago but were really a decade away.
thinking about the nature of wealth and what people
do to deserve the hand they're dealt. but maybe
it's all luck. it's all connected, and affects each other, but
even God can't control what the outcome will be. stuff just
happens because it needs to happen, and then you're
born into the next life.

i woke up at 12pm today. i stayed up till 3am watching
"In The Mood for Love" by Wong Kar-wai. i had seen
Fallen Angels, Chungking Express and Days of Being Wild before.
i didn't really care for all 3 of them, so i just decided maybe i
don't like this director. Mood for Love was quite lovely though...
it helps that it's about a topic i often fantasize about.
as someone who primarily is experienced in unrequited or
inconvenient love, the longing and guilt touched me.
my favorite scene was when she came into his apartment to
help him write his book, and then had to stay for the whole day,
eating meals together with him, being forced to think about
their relationship and what it meant to spend this much time
together, and how it felt. very good movie.

i need to work on my yuri jam VN. i finished the script
and plugged it all in, but i feel it's missing something.
i'm not very experienced with VNS so the sort of natural vision
doesn't come to me very easily...i hope it's entertaining enough.
i feel like the ending is a bit predictable, but i suppose
predictable =/= bad or boring. i feel shy about submitting a
game where the main character has a crush on a guy.
i guess it's okay if it doesn't resonate with anyone.
i'm not expecting Panthalassa to either. i want to make games...
i hope i can make more games.

i'm going to keep playing Raden picross now. i want to start
the Yakuza games after clearing this one. it's been nice just
listening to music all day and thinking about stuff.

looking at an apartment with my mom tomorrow.

the wind is strong today.

i had so many things i wanted to talk to you about
and eventually show you

you always asked me when i was a kid
"why don't you ever create your own worlds?"

and now i have so many
more than i can count

and i wanted to show you even a single one

valentine. he is an animal...he can truly unconditionally
love me. he has no ulterior motives. he is just a cat that loves me.

when artists i respect like my art on twitter.
its an acknowledgement i was able to convey feelings.

art. video games the most, but movies and books make me happy too.
it's the closest i can feel to feeling emotions.

yayoi kusama. a woman who felt more lost even than me,
but was able to make the world listen to her.

lots of things make me sad...lots of things make me feel anxiety.
i feel neutral about most things.

when anyone calls me pretty, i feel sick to my stomach.

wow...my first journal entry of 2025. how remarkable.
today was good. lovely even. i dreamed about playing a
multiplayer rpg with clauvio and some other friends...and
then tamlin burned down my apartment. the vivid imagery of
the record player melting like wax and watching the flames
follow along the walls is very clear in my head.

played more flower sun and rain this morning. i am so in
love with that game. i want to play more and more...
id probably be done with it by now if i wasnt forced to take it slow.
sumio mondo has become the prey in my fantasies.
today he was [spoilers]. it turned me on. but i had to
stay civil in front of my friend. i was very happy though.
but also worried he would be out of the picture forever...
but he came back. i'm so happy.

i did all the dishes, deep cleaned the cat box, cleaned
the bathroom and then made spaghetti. when i took the pasta
pan off the old pan it had been stacked on grease and butter
lined the bottom...it was gross but i cleaned it.
no one else was going to clean it...

the first 3 days of new years truly blended together.
i got drunk with denki fever. i got so drunk i couldn't
remember the things i said on stream, but apparently i
was very loving and sappy. and then i streamed okami for
13 hours straight. very funny. watched breakfast at tiffanys.
it was okay. it was racist. but the dialogue and outfits
were quite lovely. i enjoyed watching it besides it not
particularly being interesting or groundbreaking.
moon river is my favorite song again.

it's almost the end of the year
so much happened to me...i finished writing my visual novel, a thing that
i thought would never happen.
i got in a fight with some people. in usual fashion, me pissing someone off
without realizing it, and then having it explode in my face.
i got to experience something i've never felt before with another person.
putting it in vague terms like that makes it sound suspicious, but i
mean something a bit more spiritual.
feeling lots of things and coping with the fact i dont feel things like other people.
well thats a stupid way of putting it, because no one's that special.
but no one seems to know what i mean when i talk about it.
that's okay, because i've gotten really good at finding people that
are understanding in the ways i need them to be.

i will finish panthalassa next year.
almost finished putting down the groundwork for part 1, just gotta draw
all those placeholders...i need to make the placeholders a little uglier,
but i cant help it. i get so excited about my story.

playing the silver case lately. the presentation is fantastic, but i'm unsure
how i feel about it still. the translation is really strange, my friend told me
the translator "tried making it feel like suda" so all the characters are constantly
swearing and yelling at each other and dropping slurs. it seems more withheld
on the parts that really matter, but i wish i was playing the ps1 version...
its similar to killer7 in that its a big collection of vignettes that all
connect to a larger mystery. its also similar in that you wont really know whats
going on until the very end...i assume.
its a game written in '99 so its ranking pretty low on my feminism meter.
a woman that isn't related to having sex or being murdered has yet to be introduced.
that's fine though.
how did i word it...people really like to brush off when women are written or
treated poorly in games. but a piece of art is reflecting someone's world view right?
i'm unsure i really believe in death of the author when it comes to interpreting an artist's intent.
if an artist doesn't view half of the world as people, how am i supposed to take his
interpretation on anything else seriously?

feeling pretty tired. i've been very disciplined
lately, with focusing on work and getting stuff done
but i feel that slowly petering out. spending time
with friends and streaming have helped a lot with my
habit of self isolation, but at the end of the day
my ability to focus is what holds me back. aaah i
want to laze around all day...and when i get so worried
about money it prevents me from properly working on my vn.
i was hoping to get it finished this year but with
everything going on that probably won't be possible.

i keep having very vivid dreams. dreams are boring to
explain but for the first time in awhile i have
vivid dreams about video game characters and friends.
usually they're about scenarios or memories.

it's that kind of sadness that feels like its rotting you
from the inside out.

thankfully my heads finally been clearned up a bit. a lot of
stress this week manifesting in places i can't see them, but
its okay. this sort of thing is a part of being a person.

haven't been as productive as i'd like the last couple of days,
but a lot of big changes will be happening again soon. a lot
of worrying and running around...and i cant even say "but
things will be okay" this time around because i know it won't be easy.

working to finish my visual novel as fast as i can. i'm
not viewing it as something that will make me money or anything,
but i just have this feeling in me that if i can bring myself to
complete this one dream i've had my whole life, i can do anything.
i want to make a lot of games. i want to make art that can touch people.
this drive is the only thing that keeps me going most of the time.
maybe i should live for a little more, but this past year has proven
it's hard to hold onto the things other people tell me are important.
not in a depressing way though. i think i've found a lot of
meaning in it.

i suppose i could write a little bit more about myself now
that we're here.

ocassionally i enter these strange headspaces and i
don't know how to snap myself out of them. it sometimes
feels spiritual...
like somethings trying to tether me back to something i once was.
i think working on my visual novel again has dragged this
emotion out of me. i spend a lot of time thinking about how others
are thinking about me. i dont know if its the most healthy thing...
for my main hobby that sort of thing is really important, right?
introspection and the like...but sometimes my brain gets all muddy,
and i begin to feel like i never cared about anything at all.
sometimes it gets so bad that while i'm lying in bed at night
or reading a book, i start to think about the pressure in my
head, and convince myself i have brain damage. or that my
skull is too small for my brain, and ive been slowly losing
brain cells since i was a teenager. and it would explain
everything ive ever failed to do. is that depression? i guess so.

my sister lectured me the other day about never going outside.
there's lots of things keeping me from leaving...but i knew
that even if i had access to a car or money i probably
wouldn't. there are so many things and signs telling us to
not let ourselves be absorbed into the computer, but the
internet is so nice. even this chopped up, decaying, rotting
corpse of an internet is more welcoming than the real world.
because at least on the internet im allowed to be myself.

...hmmm...maybe i'm a lost cause after all.

i wonder if having a little online diary would help in any way.
it feels a bit exposing...posting diary entries like this...
but i guess that's also just blogging? i've never felt the
compulsion to share too much of myself online in text format.

i guess because its so easy to get brainrotted by numbers,
and the few times i've tried expressing my feelings on things
people have told me it made no sense or it was of no worth.

but the nice thing about a webpage is none of that matters!
i can write anything i want and don't have to care, because
surely no one looks at neocities that closely right?

lately i've been making tangible progress in panthalassa.
it's a little scary...i keep doubting myself and the things
i write and if any of its worth reading...its such an intense
feeling, making anything original. i've drawn fanart my whole
life...i guess this is why people get so obsessed with their ocs.
i hope someone out there likes it.