today at 8am the power died. the night before there was
an insane rain storm. lighting was crashing down and the
pelting of the rain could be heard through the thick
adobe walls. so i was not surprised when the power
suddenly died i suppose...but it has been a very long time
since i've had to experience an extended power outage.

i used to live on an island only 30 minutes away by ferry
from seattle. i used to live in a big creaking house that
would experience frequent power outages, but we would
always have the generator until things finally turned on
again. then a couple years ago in the town i live now,
there was a huge power outage in my entire apartment complex.
even now i still think about that day a lot. it was in the
middle of a horrible humid summer. that's kind of the ironic
thing about getting power outages down here. usually it's
insanely hot, but we have typhoons and flash floods all
the time, so if the power is ever going to die, 99% of the
time it's going to be during the summer. so good luck.
everyone staggered out of their apartments so that they
weren't cooked alive. we were all different people.
me, of course, the weird, shy antisocial shut-in.
someone was a cheerful black, gay, monk from chicago,
the teenager downstairs was a devoted christian from
ohio here for school, and one was a woman in her early
30s that worked late as a waitress. we just stood there
on the extended balcony and...talked. talked about anything
we could think of. it was like a scene from a movie.
we talked so much we started talking about all our problems,
and what was wrong with this country, and what we needed
to do to fix it, and why we all felt like the world was
ending in our own ways. we all felt so connected in that
moment. and then the power turned on and we all went
inside our apartments and never spoke to each other again.
it really made me think about how easy it is for people
to actually get along, and how modern convenience has
made us so isolated...i hope they're all doing well.

that's besides the point. my power was out until 2:30PM
today. i managed to finish my book "The Way of the Hermit"
by ken smith. i enjoyed it a lot. i'd read a couple books
before about men that just randomly decided they had it
with modern civilization and ran away to the woods forever.
there was Chris McCandless and "Into the Wild", who was
cheerful and good at everything he did, and decided to
throw his entire life away to lead a nomadic lifestyle
far away from everything. he ended up jumping into his
dreams a little too unprepared though, and passed away
from eating the wrong kind of potato in the Alaskan
wilderness. he kind of reminded me of Kevin Smith,
except kevin smith was way more patient and smart about
the way he approached his dreams. he managed to haggle
some land and build a little cabin and learn all the
necessary skills that let someone live off the land.
i think the story that fascinates me the most is
Christopher Knight's. McCandless and Smith seemed like
friendly guys that had a lust for adventure, but Knight
wanted to be away from everyone and everything. he had
no interest in other people, or the modern world. he
just wanted to be alone in the forest. he didn't do
any amazing feats of foraging or build a house or
nothing, he just slept in a tent while moving around

the forest and stole food and goods from nearby campers
and facilities. he ended up getting caught and arrested
one day because technology got too complicated to
outsmart...but i always think about a passage he wrote
about how everyone has something in their dna that
dictates how much social interaction they need, and
his just happened to be insanely low. i always pretend
like i don't want to be bothered by anybody or that i
desire solitude, but every time i get to spend time
with people i really love, there's no way i could
give that feeling up. maybe christopher knight should
have used the internet more.

i got an email from my power company saying that it
was going to take over 6 hours to bring the power
back, and then an email from my internet provider
that it would take until tomorrow. not knowing what to
do with this information i began packing and taking down
all the useless streamer foam my sister forced me to put
up half a year ago. then the power came back on and
i immediately turned my computer on and attempted an
oguri cap run in umamusume (i failed).

milk puzzle has hit almost 700 downloads...i am blown
away. i'm feeling like i should write a post-mortem soon.
people's response has been genuinely overwhelming...i was
so nervous about releasing it and was so nervous people
would find the emotions depicted strange or unusual but
i got so many heartwarming and supportive messages from
friends and new people alike. i'm happy that i made it.
i want to make more games...i'm even more excited to
release panthalassa now. it's not the same setting but
i was kind of feeling "aren't eleanor and claire just
elias and donovan?" while writing it, so maybe it will
click for people. aaaaah. aaaaaaaaaah. goodness me.
will try to relax and read more stuff today.

"connect the dots" and "ten metre tide" are my favorites
so far...i'm rooting that ten meter tide wins just
between you and me haha. it was just so excellent in
every way.

well i finished it like, a day ago.
i feel like i should have more to say about it, considering
it's my first real game i've completed. i would always look
forward to reading the thank you messages or note logs by
devs after finishing their work...but...um...i dont know.
it's a game. i made it. i wrote all the feelings I wanted
into it and made characters i liked. and not to sound like
a jerk but...i didn't experience...much...strife...making it...?
well that's not true. most of the suffering is psychological.

i've been reading the other entries and worrying that my
story is strange and doesn't slot in well compared to the
other VNs at all. which is a ridiculous way to feel,
considering a jam is all about expressing the different
approaches one can take to completeing a game no matter
what. but i don't know...
i worry i didn't go far enough with some things, or that
people will feel annoyed it's more a character piece than
a yuri indulgence, but it can't be helped. i made a game
and i should be proud of that alone. Sick to my stomach
about submitting it.

writing and drawing went very smooth.
the first real hurdle I'm feeling at the moment is music.
royalty free music just doesn't hit...but i have no
experience myself, so maybe that's just how it has to be.
i hope this makes my work on Panthalassa a little better.

(i haven't been gaming at all...the only thing i can bring
myself to play is Picross. otherwise I'm thinking to
myself "why aren't you working on your game...?")

kinda falling off all my daily habits right now...
only takes a week to get bored. but when you feel
that way it's the most important time to push through and form a habit!
augh...what did i even do yesterday?
PMS is still making me lose my mind.
just remember drawing a loooot of sprites and watching streams.
literally nothing comes to mind.

i'm soaking up the world around me like a sponge,
even the things i hate. it's so clear the difference in
language of people even 20 years ago. is it ignorance
to feel like the walls are closing in on me?
people have always felt this way about everything
from the beginning, but it feels just as real to
me as it must have to people on internet message boards
complaining Super Mario World is reusing a tired old formula.
(Well...and they're right, right?)

i'm always reaching out blindly, groping for what
this feeling that supposedly is lacking "is".

alienated by everything around me. by the way people
are expected to act, the kind of stories we tell,
and the looming reality of being alone.

i come back around to this feeling quite regularly,
but i really do wonder how someone gets "smarter".
where does one obtain the ability to parse acadedmic language?
how does one strengthen the muscle to take so much
meaning from scenes and moments in works of art?
when they go out of their way to type what they saw,
i can understand it too. as they are simply observing an
intention that can be agreed upon by most people watching
the film, but i don't understand where that independent
view comes from. when i watch a movie or play a game, i'm
always fully immersing myself in the act. but i never have
much to say when i walk away from it. i guess there's no
way to quantify what it means for someone to be "smart"
or "dumb", i've certaintly fallen trap to thinking i'm
better than some people while having accomplished nothing
myself, but it still bothers me. what is talent?
what is thoughtful commentary and what is simply stating
the obvious? maybe i'm simply not pushing myself hard enough.
i spend quite a bit of time laying around playing games,
while most of my friends have had the opportunity to take
a single class in a school. maybe that's what i should
do with my next couple of years...

ayways, journalling seems an effective way to at
least come a little bit closer to getting my thoughts
out more meaningfully. i keep stopping to type to pick
at a scab thats formed from a bug bite on my right wrist.
it's healing awfully.

the days are blending together since my dad died.
i'm not doing anything, just reading emails and
signing paper work when i'm told, saying "yes" to texts.
thinking about my dad a lot, and the memories that
feel like moments ago but were really a decade away.
thinking about the nature of wealth and what people
do to deserve the hand they're dealt. but maybe
it's all luck. it's all connected, and affects each other, but
even God can't control what the outcome will be. stuff just
happens because it needs to happen, and then you're
born into the next life.

i woke up at 12pm today. i stayed up till 3am watching
"In The Mood for Love" by Wong Kar-wai. i had seen
Fallen Angels, Chungking Express and Days of Being Wild before.
i didn't really care for all 3 of them, so i just decided maybe i
don't like this director. Mood for Love was quite lovely though...
it helps that it's about a topic i often fantasize about.
as someone who primarily is experienced in unrequited or
inconvenient love, the longing and guilt touched me.
my favorite scene was when she came into his apartment to
help him write his book, and then had to stay for the whole day,
eating meals together with him, being forced to think about
their relationship and what it meant to spend this much time
together, and how it felt. very good movie.

i need to work on my yuri jam VN. i finished the script
and plugged it all in, but i feel it's missing something.
i'm not very experienced with VNS so the sort of natural vision
doesn't come to me very easily...i hope it's entertaining enough.
i feel like the ending is a bit predictable, but i suppose
predictable =/= bad or boring. i feel shy about submitting a
game where the main character has a crush on a guy.
i guess it's okay if it doesn't resonate with anyone.
i'm not expecting Panthalassa to either. i want to make games...
i hope i can make more games.

i'm going to keep playing Raden picross now. i want to start
the Yakuza games after clearing this one. it's been nice just
listening to music all day and thinking about stuff.

looking at an apartment with my mom tomorrow.

the wind is strong today.

i had so many things i wanted to talk to you about
and eventually show you

you always asked me when i was a kid
"why don't you ever create your own worlds?"

and now i have so many
more than i can count

and i wanted to show you even a single one

valentine. he is an animal...he can truly unconditionally
love me. he has no ulterior motives. he is just a cat that loves me.

when artists i respect like my art on twitter.
its an acknowledgement i was able to convey feelings.

art. video games the most, but movies and books make me happy too.
it's the closest i can feel to feeling emotions.

yayoi kusama. a woman who felt more lost even than me,
but was able to make the world listen to her.

lots of things make me sad...lots of things make me feel anxiety.
i feel neutral about most things.

when anyone calls me pretty, i feel sick to my stomach.

wow...my first journal entry of 2025. how remarkable.
today was good. lovely even. i dreamed about playing a
multiplayer rpg with clauvio and some other friends...and
then tamlin burned down my apartment. the vivid imagery of
the record player melting like wax and watching the flames
follow along the walls is very clear in my head.

played more flower sun and rain this morning. i am so in
love with that game. i want to play more and more...
id probably be done with it by now if i wasnt forced to take it slow.
sumio mondo has become the prey in my fantasies.
today he was [spoilers]. it turned me on. but i had to
stay civil in front of my friend. i was very happy though.
but also worried he would be out of the picture forever...
but he came back. i'm so happy.

i did all the dishes, deep cleaned the cat box, cleaned
the bathroom and then made spaghetti. when i took the pasta
pan off the old pan it had been stacked on grease and butter
lined the bottom...it was gross but i cleaned it.
no one else was going to clean it...

the first 3 days of new years truly blended together.
i got drunk with denki fever. i got so drunk i couldn't
remember the things i said on stream, but apparently i
was very loving and sappy. and then i streamed okami for
13 hours straight. very funny. watched breakfast at tiffanys.
it was okay. it was racist. but the dialogue and outfits
were quite lovely. i enjoyed watching it besides it not
particularly being interesting or groundbreaking.
moon river is my favorite song again.

it's almost the end of the year
so much happened to me...i finished writing my visual novel, a thing that
i thought would never happen.
i got in a fight with some people. in usual fashion, me pissing someone off
without realizing it, and then having it explode in my face.
i got to experience something i've never felt before with another person.
putting it in vague terms like that makes it sound suspicious, but i
mean something a bit more spiritual.
feeling lots of things and coping with the fact i dont feel things like other people.
well thats a stupid way of putting it, because no one's that special.
but no one seems to know what i mean when i talk about it.
that's okay, because i've gotten really good at finding people that
are understanding in the ways i need them to be.

i will finish panthalassa next year.
almost finished putting down the groundwork for part 1, just gotta draw
all those placeholders...i need to make the placeholders a little uglier,
but i cant help it. i get so excited about my story.

playing the silver case lately. the presentation is fantastic, but i'm unsure
how i feel about it still. the translation is really strange, my friend told me
the translator "tried making it feel like suda" so all the characters are constantly
swearing and yelling at each other and dropping slurs. it seems more withheld
on the parts that really matter, but i wish i was playing the ps1 version...
its similar to killer7 in that its a big collection of vignettes that all
connect to a larger mystery. its also similar in that you wont really know whats
going on until the very end...i assume.
its a game written in '99 so its ranking pretty low on my feminism meter.
a woman that isn't related to having sex or being murdered has yet to be introduced.
that's fine though.
how did i word it...people really like to brush off when women are written or
treated poorly in games. but a piece of art is reflecting someone's world view right?
i'm unsure i really believe in death of the author when it comes to interpreting an artist's intent.
if an artist doesn't view half of the world as people, how am i supposed to take his
interpretation on anything else seriously?

feeling pretty tired. i've been very disciplined
lately, with focusing on work and getting stuff done
but i feel that slowly petering out. spending time
with friends and streaming have helped a lot with my
habit of self isolation, but at the end of the day
my ability to focus is what holds me back. aaah i
want to laze around all day...and when i get so worried
about money it prevents me from properly working on my vn.
i was hoping to get it finished this year but with
everything going on that probably won't be possible.

i keep having very vivid dreams. dreams are boring to
explain but for the first time in awhile i have
vivid dreams about video game characters and friends.
usually they're about scenarios or memories.

it's that kind of sadness that feels like its rotting you
from the inside out.

thankfully my heads finally been clearned up a bit. a lot of
stress this week manifesting in places i can't see them, but
its okay. this sort of thing is a part of being a person.

haven't been as productive as i'd like the last couple of days,
but a lot of big changes will be happening again soon. a lot
of worrying and running around...and i cant even say "but
things will be okay" this time around because i know it won't be easy.

working to finish my visual novel as fast as i can. i'm
not viewing it as something that will make me money or anything,
but i just have this feeling in me that if i can bring myself to
complete this one dream i've had my whole life, i can do anything.
i want to make a lot of games. i want to make art that can touch people.
this drive is the only thing that keeps me going most of the time.
maybe i should live for a little more, but this past year has proven
it's hard to hold onto the things other people tell me are important.
not in a depressing way though. i think i've found a lot of
meaning in it.

i suppose i could write a little bit more about myself now
that we're here.

ocassionally i enter these strange headspaces and i
don't know how to snap myself out of them. it sometimes
feels spiritual...
like somethings trying to tether me back to something i once was.
i think working on my visual novel again has dragged this
emotion out of me. i spend a lot of time thinking about how others
are thinking about me. i dont know if its the most healthy thing...
for my main hobby that sort of thing is really important, right?
introspection and the like...but sometimes my brain gets all muddy,
and i begin to feel like i never cared about anything at all.
sometimes it gets so bad that while i'm lying in bed at night
or reading a book, i start to think about the pressure in my
head, and convince myself i have brain damage. or that my
skull is too small for my brain, and ive been slowly losing
brain cells since i was a teenager. and it would explain
everything ive ever failed to do. is that depression? i guess so.

my sister lectured me the other day about never going outside.
there's lots of things keeping me from leaving...but i knew
that even if i had access to a car or money i probably
wouldn't. there are so many things and signs telling us to
not let ourselves be absorbed into the computer, but the
internet is so nice. even this chopped up, decaying, rotting
corpse of an internet is more welcoming than the real world.
because at least on the internet im allowed to be myself.

...hmmm...maybe i'm a lost cause after all.

i wonder if having a little online diary would help in any way.
it feels a bit exposing...posting diary entries like this...
but i guess that's also just blogging? i've never felt the
compulsion to share too much of myself online in text format.

i guess because its so easy to get brainrotted by numbers,
and the few times i've tried expressing my feelings on things
people have told me it made no sense or it was of no worth.

but the nice thing about a webpage is none of that matters!
i can write anything i want and don't have to care, because
surely no one looks at neocities that closely right?

lately i've been making tangible progress in panthalassa.
it's a little scary...i keep doubting myself and the things
i write and if any of its worth reading...its such an intense
feeling, making anything original. i've drawn fanart my whole
life...i guess this is why people get so obsessed with their ocs.
i hope someone out there likes it.